LESSON 1 - Self Diagnosis
For today's task, I went to take a look at the reflections I had done for previous essays. I believe that two areas I need to work on are:
Expressing in my own words (avoiding plagiarism)
Clear argumentation
http://www.uhv.edu/ac/research/write/pdf/paraphrase.pdf
I found this document by University of Houston Victoria, which teaches you how to paraphrase. In it, there are lots of guidelines on paraphrasing, and a five-step approach to paraphrasing is introduced. Example paraphrases are also provided together with analyses, and at the end of the document there are some exercises that check your understanding of how to paraphrase.
LESSON 2 - Applying the skills
GM Food - boon or bane?
As my paragraph needs to target avoiding plagiarism and clear argumentation, it could be a paragraph that either talks about GM food being a boon or bane. It's only one paragraph, so I'll be researching on how it's a boon.
I think that articles would be most suitable for this exercise since they're concise, like those used in our comprehension exercises.
So I went to TIME Magazine's website to search for "GM Food", and I saw this article:
Are First World Fears Causing the Third World to go Hungry? By: Jessica Reaves I thought the point that GM food being beneficial for the Third World was good, so I decided to write my paragraph on that. I continued looking for more articles regarding this issue.
I soon found this article from Newsweek: Poor Nations Invent Their Own “Frankenfoods” By: Marc Margolis This article summarized the problems that Africa and other developing countries face, such as spiking food prices and widespread hunger. By developing their own “Frakenfoods”, each problem that they have faced over the decades could be specifically targeted, since they know it best.
This article from COSMOS adds on some points that Newsweek might have missed: Gm crops: Solution to world food crisis? By: Albert Weale It basically says what I have read in Newsweek, but there is this paragraph about nutrition that I think is important so I included it in.
Some comments:
I think referring too much to resources leads to the mistake of a paragraph not having a logical flow. Like when you include a brilliant point from one article, then another point from another article, and they clog together to make no sense. So it is important to have a good understanding of 1) the issues that third world countries face, and 2) how GM foods tackle these issues before I write. Not only that, having a good understanding ensures that whatever you write was what you thought, and this prevents plagiarism, a problem that I said I faced.
With that said, my paragraph would firstly mention some of the problems that Third World countries face, and go on to say how GM foods can help.
The paragraph:
Most Third World countries face a problem – their high poverty and malnutrition levels always seem to remain unsolved - and GM food could be the solution. Many times this problem worsened because of primitive farming methods, an issue in Third World countries for decades. Primitive farming methods cause land and labour to be used unproductively, which in turn causes low yields. Not only do these countries have to face a shortage of food, they also have to resort to imports, which are likely overpriced. The result is therefore poverty and malnutrition on the rise. In such a bleak situation, GM food could do much to help the poor in Third World countries. One property of GM crops most commonly known is its ability to resist pests. When the famers in these countries have access to pest resistant crops, it would be a significant boost to their yield, since pests have been reported to claim large portions of harvests. With enough food produced for the country, malnutrition levels would be brought low, and there would not be a need to turn to overpriced imports. Add to that higher yields that GM crops are reported to produce; Third World countries would experience significant increases in food supply. With the issue of quantity being addressed, there still lies the problem of quality - and the great news is that crops have been enhanced for certain vitamins to help fight deficiencies, improving nutrition. An example would be the golden rice, enhanced for vitamin A – an especially useful crop in Third World countries where vitamin supplements are not readily available. With lingering problems that have plagued these countries for decades, there can be no doubt that science and technology must be put to use. And the various properties of GM crops seem like the exact solutions to these scourges.
LESSON 3: Peer marking
Gideon's Comments:
Hi Edwin! Your argumentation is very detailed, well done!
What I like best is that your argumentations is super-detailed. In fact, I think that is what I myself lack Xp
However, I think this can be further sharpened by combining certain sentences together. It's dangerous to combine too many to the point that you leave out clear argumentation & clump them together, but leaving much of the argumentation as standalone can lead one to the trap of 'choppy sentences', otherwise known as disjointed ideas.
Perhaps a good ides would be to combine some arguments, while leaving crucial argumentation on it's own. It would certainly flow a lot better. I'll include on example for you here.
"In such bleak situations, the beneficial properties of GM food could do much to help allevieate issues of malnutrition and poverty in Third World Countries. Breeding pest-resistant varities of crops has a two-fold effect: It prevents massive spending on pesticides, and lessens expenditure on pricey imports by increasing yield, hence solving malnutrition and prevents overspending on over-priced imports."
I've combined about two sentences at one shot, but used some words to put them together, like 'two-fold effect'. Such methods help you save up on your words, and it's effective communication of points across for the reader too. Happy writing!
ALF's Comments:
Like what Gideon said, your paragraph is extremely detailed about how GM food can be the solution to food problems in Third World countries. However, there are too many points in that same paragraph, making it extremely long and unfocused. It is also very confusing for the reader when he doesnt really know what you are trying to argue.
I think that the paragraph can be broken up into two. The first paragraph examing the point of how GM food is pest resistant and how that helps Third World Countries in food production. The second paragraph can then examine the point of improved vitamins and nutrition in the genetically modified crops. This should make the argument clearer and less confusing.
Another point is that in your 'Self Diagnosis' you said that you will be attempting to improve in 'writing in your own words'. But in the paragraph there isnt any quotation or paraphrasing of evidence from another source.
Lesson 4: Revision
Thanks Gideon and Ling Feng for your comments.
For my revised paragraph, I think I'll take away the part on vitamins so that the paragraph is
Shorter
Talks about only increased food yields
Less confusing
Also, I'll use Gideon's example of combining argument for various sentences so that it achieves greater flow.
Here is it:
Most Third World countries face a problem – their high poverty and malnutrition levels always seem to remain unsolved - and GM food could be the solution. Many times this problem worsened because of primitive farming methods, an issue in Third World countries for decades. Primitive farming methods cause land and labour to be used unproductively, which in turn causes low yields. Facing a shortage of food, they thus have to resort to overpriced imports, with the result being poverty and malnutrition on the rise. In such a bleak situation, GM food could do much to help the poor in Third World countries. One property of GM crops most commonly known is its ability to resist pests. And breeding such crops has a two-fold effect: it increases yield because less crops are damaged, and therefore lessens expenditure on pricey imports, effectively solving malnutrition as well as problems on spending. When facing lingering problems that have plagued these countries for decades, there can be no doubt that science and technology must be put to use. And the various properties of GM crops seem like the exact solutions to these scourges.
It was a fun exercise, and I got to practise at the same time. I think I still made the same mistake of trying to say too many things in one paragraph. And doing this assignment had showed it again. So I must always remember to keep only one point within a paragraph. Hopefully I'll never forget it again.
For today's task, I went to take a look at the reflections I had done for previous essays. I believe that two areas I need to work on are:
- Expressing in my own words (avoiding plagiarism)
- Clear argumentation
http://www.uhv.edu/ac/research/write/pdf/paraphrase.pdfI found this document by University of Houston Victoria, which teaches you how to paraphrase. In it, there are lots of guidelines on paraphrasing, and a five-step approach to paraphrasing is introduced. Example paraphrases are also provided together with analyses, and at the end of the document there are some exercises that check your understanding of how to paraphrase.
http://74.125.153.132/search?q=cache:hLEXMkE46wQJ:english.uno.edu/writing/docs/MAKING%2520LOGICAL%2520ARGUMENTS.doc+writing+logical+argumentation&cd=56&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=sg
This document teaches you how to make logical arguments. Several techniques that are used to aruge in a logical way are suggested, such as inductive reasoning and deductive reasoning. Reminders on how to avoid logical fallacies are also given.
LESSON 2 - Applying the skills
GM Food - boon or bane?
As my paragraph needs to target avoiding plagiarism and clear argumentation, it could be a paragraph that either talks about GM food being a boon or bane. It's only one paragraph, so I'll be researching on how it's a boon.
I think that articles would be most suitable for this exercise since they're concise, like those used in our comprehension exercises.
So I went to TIME Magazine's website to search for "GM Food", and I saw this article:
Are First World Fears Causing the Third World to go Hungry? By: Jessica Reaves
I thought the point that GM food being beneficial for the Third World was good, so I decided to write my paragraph on that. I continued looking for more articles regarding this issue.
I soon found this article from Newsweek:
Poor Nations Invent Their Own “Frankenfoods” By: Marc Margolis
This article summarized the problems that Africa and other developing countries face, such as spiking food prices and widespread hunger. By developing their own “Frakenfoods”, each problem that they have faced over the decades could be specifically targeted, since they know it best.
This article from COSMOS adds on some points that Newsweek might have missed:
Gm crops: Solution to world food crisis? By: Albert Weale
It basically says what I have read in Newsweek, but there is this paragraph about nutrition that I think is important so I included it in.
Some comments:
I think referring too much to resources leads to the mistake of a paragraph not having a logical flow. Like when you include a brilliant point from one article, then another point from another article, and they clog together to make no sense. So it is important to have a good understanding of 1) the issues that third world countries face, and 2) how GM foods tackle these issues before I write. Not only that, having a good understanding ensures that whatever you write was what you thought, and this prevents plagiarism, a problem that I said I faced.
With that said, my paragraph would firstly mention some of the problems that Third World countries face, and go on to say how GM foods can help.
The paragraph:
Most Third World countries face a problem – their high poverty and malnutrition levels always seem to remain unsolved - and GM food could be the solution. Many times this problem worsened because of primitive farming methods, an issue in Third World countries for decades. Primitive farming methods cause land and labour to be used unproductively, which in turn causes low yields. Not only do these countries have to face a shortage of food, they also have to resort to imports, which are likely overpriced. The result is therefore poverty and malnutrition on the rise. In such a bleak situation, GM food could do much to help the poor in Third World countries. One property of GM crops most commonly known is its ability to resist pests. When the famers in these countries have access to pest resistant crops, it would be a significant boost to their yield, since pests have been reported to claim large portions of harvests. With enough food produced for the country, malnutrition levels would be brought low, and there would not be a need to turn to overpriced imports. Add to that higher yields that GM crops are reported to produce; Third World countries would experience significant increases in food supply. With the issue of quantity being addressed, there still lies the problem of quality - and the great news is that crops have been enhanced for certain vitamins to help fight deficiencies, improving nutrition. An example would be the golden rice, enhanced for vitamin A – an especially useful crop in Third World countries where vitamin supplements are not readily available. With lingering problems that have plagued these countries for decades, there can be no doubt that science and technology must be put to use. And the various properties of GM crops seem like the exact solutions to these scourges.
LESSON 3: Peer marking
Gideon's Comments:
Hi Edwin! Your argumentation is very detailed, well done!What I like best is that your argumentations is super-detailed. In fact, I think that is what I myself lack Xp
However, I think this can be further sharpened by combining certain sentences together. It's dangerous to combine too many to the point that you leave out clear argumentation & clump them together, but leaving much of the argumentation as standalone can lead one to the trap of 'choppy sentences', otherwise known as disjointed ideas.
Perhaps a good ides would be to combine some arguments, while leaving crucial argumentation on it's own. It would certainly flow a lot better. I'll include on example for you here.
"In such bleak situations, the beneficial properties of GM food could do much to help allevieate issues of malnutrition and poverty in Third World Countries. Breeding pest-resistant varities of crops has a two-fold effect: It prevents massive spending on pesticides, and lessens expenditure on pricey imports by increasing yield, hence solving malnutrition and prevents overspending on over-priced imports."
I've combined about two sentences at one shot, but used some words to put them together, like 'two-fold effect'. Such methods help you save up on your words, and it's effective communication of points across for the reader too. Happy writing!
ALF's Comments:
Like what Gideon said, your paragraph is extremely detailed about how GM food can be the solution to food problems in Third World countries. However, there are too many points in that same paragraph, making it extremely long and unfocused. It is also very confusing for the reader when he doesnt really know what you are trying to argue.I think that the paragraph can be broken up into two. The first paragraph examing the point of how GM food is pest resistant and how that helps Third World Countries in food production. The second paragraph can then examine the point of improved vitamins and nutrition in the genetically modified crops. This should make the argument clearer and less confusing.
Another point is that in your 'Self Diagnosis' you said that you will be attempting to improve in 'writing in your own words'. But in the paragraph there isnt any quotation or paraphrasing of evidence from another source.
Lesson 4: Revision
Thanks Gideon and Ling Feng for your comments.
For my revised paragraph, I think I'll take away the part on vitamins so that the paragraph is
Also, I'll use Gideon's example of combining argument for various sentences so that it achieves greater flow.
Here is it:
Most Third World countries face a problem – their high poverty and malnutrition levels always seem to remain unsolved - and GM food could be the solution. Many times this problem worsened because of primitive farming methods, an issue in Third World countries for decades. Primitive farming methods cause land and labour to be used unproductively, which in turn causes low yields. Facing a shortage of food, they thus have to resort to overpriced imports, with the result being poverty and malnutrition on the rise. In such a bleak situation, GM food could do much to help the poor in Third World countries. One property of GM crops most commonly known is its ability to resist pests. And breeding such crops has a two-fold effect: it increases yield because less crops are damaged, and therefore lessens expenditure on pricey imports, effectively solving malnutrition as well as problems on spending. When facing lingering problems that have plagued these countries for decades, there can be no doubt that science and technology must be put to use. And the various properties of GM crops seem like the exact solutions to these scourges.
It was a fun exercise, and I got to practise at the same time. I think I still made the same mistake of trying to say too many things in one paragraph. And doing this assignment had showed it again. So I must always remember to keep only one point within a paragraph. Hopefully I'll never forget it again.